i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
