When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
