I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize