You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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