i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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