It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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