Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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