hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
