Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
