I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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