Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
