Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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