yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
