I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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