its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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