dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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