youre lurking in front of me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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