can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
