Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
