somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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