Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
