Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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