things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
