mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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