Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
