I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
