She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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