shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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