I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
