If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
