A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
