why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
