I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
