The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
