Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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