dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
