I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
