so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
