god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
