Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
