In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just had sex on a roof
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize