I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
