He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
