when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
