i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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