my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
