on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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