I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
