Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
