wakey wakey hands off snakey
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize