The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
