I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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