I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
