I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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