It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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