My first STD was from a foam party
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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