Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
