I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
